I wrote last week about Taylor Swift winning her historic fourth Album of the Year Grammy, only to have the press pull apart all the ways in which she didn’t perfectly accept the award — Slate wrote she was too ‘self-effacing’ — in that it was a strategy to endear her to the public rather than an authentic response, or she was too ‘strategic’ in the way she spoke as though it was too calculated and not spontaneous enough. That she didn’t give enough deference to Celine Dion when being presented her award and that she was crass because she used the occasion to announce her eleventh album was on its way.

Not everyone thought all these things, but far out, man. Imagine being — objectively, according to the Grammy’s — the most highly decorated (because Album of the Year is considered the greatest accolade) singer-songwriter-artist of the last few generations, only to be picked apart on precisely every possible tiny misstep she made in the space of 75 seconds (the amount of time she had to accept the award)? 75 seconds.

This is after months of relentless commentary about whether she was using her attendance at her boyfriend’s football game as a PR scheme, whether she attended them too much, whether she was being shown too much by the broadcasters when she did attend, not to mention the daft conspiracy theories about whether her relationship is actually some government psychological operation to influence the election.

Which itself was off the back of years of relentless criticism by the press for being stupid, for dating too many men, that she couldn’t hold on to a man, that she was petty for turning her real life events into song lyrics, and so many more she turned it into a song Shake it off.

And lastly, she was effectively shunned after the accusation by Kanye West that she had lied about approving his song lyrics “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex, why? I made that bitch famous” by providing recorded ‘proof’ of her consent after asking her if “it was cool?”.

Later on, that was revealed to be based on doctored recording. Her song Look What You Made Me Do on the album Reputation, references this false consent:

The vanishing woman

In response to the backlash, Swift disappeared from sight, renting a house in Europe where no one could find her for two years. She thought the world hated her and was sick of her. This is something Margot Robbie is doing right now, pre-emptively. She recently admitted she was taking time away from film making for a while out of fear that, after the enormous success of Barbie, ”everybody are probably sick of me”.

The relentless standards of perfection that successful or powerful women are held to, to be considered deserving is something to behold. But women must also be on constant surveillance of the limits of society’s tolerance for them, and then strategically never meet that limit to avoid ‘cancellation’. It seems we just can’t quite let some women deserve or enjoy their success or power, unless they are absolutely, 100 percent, unimpeachably, perfect, yet also, aware and humble enough to stay out of view and know her place, when she is.

While it would be easy to write this off as ‘champagne problems’, as the Barbie movie highlighted, this is a systemic issue for all women. If Taylor Swift or Margot Robbie as white women of immense privilege are vulnerable to it, imagine the challenges for other groups of women.

Double standards

These are standards that men simply are not held to.

I don’t recall Harry Styles being criticised in any way for any missteps he made when accepting the Album of the Year award last year at the Grammys. I don’t see any famous male spectator who regularly attend sports games ever criticised for attending too many games, or accused of it being a play for PR or being shown too much by the broadcast.

In fact, Ryan Reynolds literally bought a sports team then made a documentary about buying a sportsts team and he doesn’t get criticised for doing it for PR. I don’t see other male actor, say George Clooney or Brad Pitt, ever saying they need to step out of the public eye lest the public turn on them for saturating the cultural consciousness.

The former President of the United States was elected to be the President of the United States – the highest office in public service and one of the most powerful positions in the world – despite numerous allegations of wrongdoing, including an infamous recording of his admission on how he assaults women.

Closer to home, this past week we saw our video footage of former Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce, still a member of parliament, sprawled on a street, drunk, yelling expletives into his phone. There was criticism of his actions but there was also substantial grace afforded to him and concern aired that he needed medical treatment. You may recall, however when the Finish Prime Minister Sanna Marin, a woman, had a small house party where she had a couple drinks and danced and it was posted to social media. She was forced to apologise publicly to the world.

The silent woman

Nor can we give successful women permission for the voice or feelings they express publicly. Taylor Swift wrote in Dear John (yes, the song she wrote about John Mayer):

Mayer later said publicly how he was humiliated by the song “Because I didn’t deserve it. I’m pretty good at taking accountability now, and I never did anything to deserve that. It was a really lousy thing for her to do.” Despite Mayer (and every other songwriter in the history of the world) using his own life as fodder for his songs (and rumoured to have written his song Paper Doll about Swift), he has never been criticised for it.

Swift has subsequently said in an interview when talking about Folklore several years later:

“The most rage provoking element of being a female is the gaslighting that happens when, for centuries, we’ve been just expected to absorb male behaviour silently. Right? Silent absorption of whatever any guy decides to do. And often times when we, in our enlightened state, in our emboldened state now, respond to bad male behaviour or somebody just doing something that was absolutely out of line and we respond, that response is treated like the offence itself.

There’s been situations recently, somebody who’s very guilty of this in my life, it’s a person who makes me feel- or tries to make me feel- like I’m the offender by having any kind of defence to his offences. It’s like, oh, I have absolutely no right to respond or I’m crazy. I have no right to respond or I’m angry. I have no right to respond or I’m out of line.”

Society struggles to show a woman they are “impressed when she aces their tests”, so we react by picking apart any slight imperfection. Moreover, a woman better not have a reaction to male behaviour, or a public or private expression of her own feelings, or she will be treated as the offender — she will be accused of going about it the wrong way, being humiliating, being petty or spiteful, having a victim mentality, having an illegitimate motive, or just plain wrong.

Double standards for women in every industry

In the corporate realm, if a woman is not perfect or has opinions or feelings then she is accused of being ‘unprofessional’ or hurting the interests of the men around her. It will be coded as what’s in the best interests “of the company” but it will actually be about men’s feelings and reputations.

When Christine Holgate, the former CEO of Australia Post, was put on blast by the press, the Prime Minister and many others for gifting her staff some watches as a bonus for their good performance, it eventually resulted in her stepping down. However, she was an extremely effective CEO, and had turned around the performance of Australia Post.

Compared to those which she succeeded and those that succeeded her, Holgate outperformed and was paid less. Her base salary of $1.375 million was much lower than her predecessor, Ahmed Fahour, who pocketed $5.6 million in a year. Fahour left with a $10 million golden handshake. Nevertheless, when she and her Board made a calculated decision to reward the staff for some landmark agreements they executed, she and the Board chose not to give her staff $150,000 bonuses they were authorised to do and gifted them a $5000 watch instead. The Prime Minister at the time, used it as a political point scoring exercise, demanding in parliament that she step aside for awarding her staff such an egregious gift.

Eventually she would be forced to step aside for the “good of Australia Post”. Her successor went on to actually award eight senior executives collectively $4.45m in bonuses with another $24m in incentives paid to 362 non-executive staff, who already earned more than $235,000. And there was no controversy whatsoever. The moral of the story is, despite her success in her role, despite history subsequently showing her not to have made a mistake afterall, she was held to higher standards and the perception that was not utterly perfect, was her downfall.

Grace Tame, as Australian of the Year, was a force to be reckoned with in highlighting the plight of victims of child sexual abuse. She categorically refused to be silent about her opinions and feelings, or to play nice simply to placate the people around her, and for that she was relentlessly criticised.

Despite being an extremely effective Australian Of The Year, promoting awareness and legislative change for the victims of child sexual abuse, she was accused of being a ‘brat’, ‘disrespectful’ and unprofessional for refusing to smile in photos, for example. She was accused of not having sufficient deference for those who bestowed the award on her , or undermining the then Prime Minister Scott Morrison as though she was using her position to make a political statement….sounding familiar? (But also, so what if she was?). Grace Tame received far more criticism for simply not smiling than Scott Morrison ever did for secretly assuming 8 portfolios.

Over the years, when I’ve dared to have opinions, express my feelings or not tolerate poor male behaviour in the workplace, I’ve been called stupid, or crazy (the classic insults if you want to undermine a woman) or psychologically damaged, and made out to be the offender as a result. All these accusations, comments and feedback, were always from men.

This is not about not taking on board constructive feedback which we should all do. It’s also not saying women can’t be called out when they behave badly themselves. This is about how intolerant we are of women refusing to absorb male behaviour that they believe is out of line, or to stand up for themselves and how we try to coerce women to silence by making them out to be the offenders when they do. It’s also about how when women are successful, or they gain any power, we will still reserve the right punish them or dismiss them for the slightest missteps that simply don’t apply to men.

Are we really saying for women to enjoy their power or success or to not be relentlessly criticised, they should be perfect, and if not perfect, then neither seen, nor heard?

I’ll leave you with a lyric from The Man, a song from Swifts album Lover which I think is apt for this article:

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So, what do start-ups and SMEs need to succeed?

1. Passionate founders, who can articulate their vision and inspire potential new hires with the same zeal to bring the Grand Plan to life.

2. Brilliant (hopefully) concepts which set them apart from the ordinary in the market, and a belief that what you do is different to and better than anything else out there. Unfortunately, enthusiasm alone isn’t enough to build a successful empire.  

3. Backers who see the potential in your brilliant concepts and are prepared to risk their money on a venture that could be a spectacular success, or flaming failure. With luck, those backers may also provide the benefit of their experience, or you may find other mentors who’ll act as sounding boards as you feel your way forward.

4. A strong ethical framework. A start-up will face uncertainty, ambiguity and unforeseen challenges. To successfully navigate the unknown the founders will need to have solid, well examined ethical foundations so they can make the right decisions at the right time.  Times of crisis or high pressure are not the times to begin contemplating what you stand for and what you’ll allow. Gut feel will only get you so far.

The first three points are pretty self-evident. Number four might have been a surprise. In amongst the excitement and can-do atmosphere of small companies where everyone pitches in and does amazing things on the smell of an oily rag, taking the time to consider and articulate the values key to you and your organisation might seem redundant. Either they’re obvious to everyone slogging next to you, or they’re something which will evolve and become apparent as success brings more time for those kinds of conversations.

However, we know that doing the hard work at the start and really thinking through your values heads off a raft of problems down the track. For a start, defining your ethical framework is as much about what you won’t allow as much as it is about what you stand for. When you’re out there hustling to build your business, the temptation to say yes to every piece of work you’re offered is immense. How do you balance the need to turn a profit with the importance of working on projects which align with your values? How do you scale up without sacrificing integrity? Making an exception ‘just this once’ is a slippery slope.

As the brilliance of your concept is recognised and your endeavour expands, you’ll be bringing new people onboard – staff, board members and contractors. They may see the exceptions you’re making and internalise that thinking. A clear set of principles and guidelines will get everyone on the same page, particularly if the growth is sudden and doesn’t allow for the same time to be invested in each new hire. Some of the more spectacular recent corporate falls from grace have been the result of seemingly inconsequential and expedient decisions. Creating clarity around expectations and integrity can help make explicit what’s expected of everyone representing your business.

A clear ethical framework also helps customers and other external stakeholders understand your brand. It’s more than having a mission statement and a list of values. They’re easy to write, and to forget. An ethical framework means those words leave the page and become part of your business reality. They inform your decisions, provide the lens through which you make choices and bring your brand to life. Consistency inspires trust and confidence in your products’ consumers, and investors.

And when there are unexpected challenges, standing firmly upon a well-constructed ethical foundation gives you a strong position from which to respond. As the last 12 months have illustrated, sometimes important decisions need to be made with little warning or in fluid situations. The organisations that kept their values at the fore when making their decisions have fared well. Their examples will be remembered.

So, as you prepare to launch your start-up, or build a thriving SME, equip yourself in every way possible for success. And good luck!

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As an executive for Fortune 100 tech companies in my early 30s, I had arrived – or so it seemed. The lifestyle I had in Sydney was all I had ever wanted as a child growing up on my mum’s monthly wage of $5 in China.

Yet it came at a cost. I worked 70 – 80 hours a week. I regularly put in a second shift after I had put my kids to bed. I worked 14 hours a day, beyond midnight, and sometimes joined global conference calls at 2am.

My jobs required me to travel across the Asia Pacific region, but I would compress my schedule so I could be home as fast as possible. And I would do all I could to do the school drop-offs and pick-ups, rescheduling meetings so I could be in the school hall for my daughters to see my face when they won a prize.

But no matter how hard I tried, I constantly felt I was failing – from being in a foreign city airport at 2am on my birthday, singing a lullaby to my three-year-old on the phone in another country, buying toys in every country to offset my guilt.

Once my eldest daughter woke up and said, “Yay, mummy, I finally found you!” She thought it was a dream, so she went back to sleep. I had actually got home early from another trip.

From the outside, it looked like I was winning but on the inside, I felt a deep sense of disconnect. I was fighting to stay above water, struggling beneath the weight of my responsibilities. My life had become a monotone existence. There was no joy and being; there was only doing and existing.

Is the cost of success worth it?

This is all I could think when I was rushed into an emergency operation. My mind was blank, but I remember asking myself: Is this it?

All the things I had cared so much about felt silly and meaningless. I would have traded anything to live, to be with my children, to feel healthy.

Later as I delved into the science of peak performance and positive psychology, I realised that many traditional ways of succeeding work in the short term, derail our performance and happiness in the long term. In other words, many people are high achievers but not high performers.

It’s not whether the cost of success is worth it, it’s whether the way we go about achieving success is worth it.

How do we shift to a healthier perspective?  

For many, we place so much emphasis on external success, believing it will give us happiness, yet we overlook so much of what makes a good life. To feel alive, we need to feel our everyday existence is enjoyable and meaningful. Like a fuel tank, our energy must be topped up or it will run out.

Slowing down, taking care of ourselves, getting back to living, not just doing – these are key to a flourishing, productive life. Ideas come from being idle and innovation comes from curiosity. When we stop doing all the time, the world becomes wonderful again.

I continued my corporate career for many more years. The biggest shift I made was to focus on living every day in a more conscious, reflective way, instead of hurriedly marching towards the next destination. It took a lot of effort to change my unhealthy habits and learn a more optimal way to work and live, but I realised being successful while merely existing was not “success”.

One of my coaching clients, Sema Musson, is the General Manager of Governance at Allianz and the co-author of Being Brave. She eloquently captured how I felt:

“It’s easy to get caught up in the race. Before you know it, life is running away, you are tired and unfit. Sure, you have a bigger house and nicer cars, but are you a better you? I’m grateful I realised this and started to take steps to reverse the trend. These changes created space in my life for other meaningful things. I now feel happier, healthier and stronger.”

Ask yourself: If you had one year to live, how would you work and live differently?

We all want to succeed but do we want it to come at the cost of our happiness and wellbeing?  Changing the way we achieve is key.

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But the great Australian dream of home-ownership is changing. Some women are ditching the “fairytale” white picket fence in favour of filling bucket lists with life experiences and achievements.

My marriage experience was far from fairytale, so thirty-five years ago I decided to write my own story. And look where I am now. Seriously, LOOK where I am now!

This is me on the Great Ocean Road last month.

I’m nearing 60 and living that ‘other’ dream.

I’ve already ticked off the top two items on my bucket list: writing a bestseller and living life on the road—no strings attached. I’m now on a mission to see every awe-inspiring natural landmark in Australia and discover new small towns to inspire more novels.

While the decision to hit the road indefinitely was not taken lightly, selling my slice of suburbia, and every stick of furniture, was surprisingly liberating (as was saying goodbye to the glut of kitchen gadgets, and swapping a wardrobe of classy clothes and shoes for rubber Crocs, T-shirts, and shorts).

Home for me these days is a 2.6 tonne, 25 foot fifth-wheeler named Myrtle the Turtle, towed with a Ford Ranger.

I am not on this journey alone. We are two older gals with no clue about car engines, torque, tyres, towing, or tare weights, and while it adds a few challenges, we didn’t let our gender stop us.

Since 2014 we’ve been doing what I like to call “the big lap very slowly”, which means we are on a strict budget (fuel, not wine) with either property-sitting commitments dictating our direction a lot of the time, or stops in small towns where I’ll do an author event at the local library, or support the local bookshop with a signing (if locals are lucky enough to still have a bookshop within coo-ee).

Three years into our journey, we are still learning, still loving life, and still ticking things off that bucket list. And if we can do it, so can you.

Yes, even if you have children.  Let me introduce you to Sarah and the String Family, who we met in a beachside caravan park north of Coffs Harbour in NSW.

Sarah, Joel, Heath and Ashleigh were at the start of their adventure and, like us, they had no fixed end-date to their travels and no fixed address.

Whether your dream is life on the road, the big lap on a deadline, doing it solo, or with family, the #1 consideration is how to fund your lifestyle.

I probably chose the wrong career (See Lauren Sams’ very honest post about Australian authors and degrees of success). But you find ways, like property sitting (while typing this article I’m living rent free on a stunning property, situated on the Limestone Coast in South Australia) and you learn a lot about the word ‘frugal’.

I asked Sarah what her top tips would be for people with a young family who are keen to get on the road and start living that dream. Here’s what she said:

1. With children there’s no perfect time to hit the road. Don’t wait for it or you’ll find they will have grown up and the opportunity will have passed.
2. Children add to the expenses. Check the extra person rates with van parks. We’ve paid as much as $105 for the four of us (for one night of camping in our caravan). Right now we’re caretaking on a farm with baby animals to feed and an indoor heated pool and games room—all for $40 per night.
3. Making money. Life on the road is far from free and easy and some things, like fuel costs, are out of your control. As the Australian National Busking Champions we perform at festivals, etc, but there are other services/money-making enterprises that suit a life on the road:

• Beauty salons/hairdressers operating out of caravans.
• Handmade crafts and caravan accessories: quilts, mobiles/wind chimes, rugs, stubby/wine glass holders. (Lots of country towns have regular market days.)
• Caravanners need services: mechanical, electrical, plumbing, and carpentry. Car magnets or stick-on letters can advertise your trade.
• Get the kids involved, too, doing odd jobs for work-weary caravan park operators. What kid doesn’t love a rode-on mower?

4. My children do distance education (high school). It’s full on but a fantastic system. Next month they’ll visit a country school for three days to sit the NAPLAN test.
5. You can live cheaply and with far less than you think, even with kids. We crammed our caravan with things we thought we’d need. We’ve gradually culled and now live with minimal possessions. Musical equipment and concert gear takes up the bulk of our storage space!

Have we convinced you to join us on the road sometime?

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Many of us dream of fulfilling a creative goal outside of our professional employment, but when you go into battle carrying nothing but the romance of the idea, you’ll likely lose to the crushing defeat of reality. It’s not enough to simply be creative if you want to complete an out-of-hours pursuit. I know, because I started writing a novel several times before I completed one. Here are my tips for starting a creative project and seeing it through while still finding time for work and a social life.

Love your idea.

Crappy ideas? I’ve had a few. And that’s the reason my early attempts at writing a novel failed. There’s nothing worse than working all day and coming home to work on a creative project that you’re just not loving. It took me a while to learn I had to walk away from ideas that weren’t working – even if I’d already invested a significant amount of time and energy in them. When I started writing Tweethearts, shuffling my leading lady through the plot felt right. Of course there were times of anxiety and insecurity but I cared enough about the concept to make it all the way to the finish line.

Trust your personal creative process.

It doesn’t matter if you’re writing a novel or painting a picture – there’ll be no shortage of advice from people telling you how you should do it. I wouldn’t encourage anyone to write a novel the way I did. It was a mess for about 88 per cent of the process. I made it up as I went along and really enjoyed not knowing how it would end. I added new characters quite late in the process and moved the plot in ways I definitely hadn’t planned at the beginning. The result was a massive editing headache. Though it’s highly advisable to have a plan before starting, locking in a finite plot from the start would have bored me. If you’re going to take on a huge project that’s yours and yours alone, you can take all the advice in the world, but you ultimately have to trust your gut and go your own way.

Don’t quit your social life

One of the best pieces of advice one editor gave me wasn’t a writing or editing pearl of wisdom but a piece of life advice. She told me that locking myself away during all of my spare time was the worst thing I could do. She encouraged walking away from it, socialising and giving myself plenty of time to relax. During the writing process I did have my best flashes of inspiration when I was away from my desk, not slumped over my keyboard. When I was out, I filed random thoughts in my phone and developed them later. So don’t feel guilty if you indulge in a social engagement when you should be working on it, chances are it’ll add to your end result rather than taking away from it

Your day job is still top dog.

Whatever your creative project is, it’s probably not going to pay enough for you to quit your job. When I wrote most of the first draft of my novel I was working full-time as a journalist. My creative time was limited, so when I had it, I didn’t muck around. I’d usually commit to a minimum of 1000 words per session – even if they were rubbish. I wrote after work, on weekends and on annual leave, too. Having said that, if I was having a particularly tough week, I treated myself to a glass of wine and some trash TV after work instead. Sometimes I’d go a week without writing and sometimes I’d smash out a huge chunk on a spare weekend. Again, there’s no right advice for making creative time. Whether you work best in 10- minute stints or all day once a week, choose your own groove, but do try to work on it regularly so you don’t lose momentum.

Find a mentor

I certainly didn’t merrily tap out the story from beginning to end. There was quite a bit of profanity and wine along the way. What kept me going when I wasn’t sure about my work was the guidance I had from editors and mentors helping me through the process. I found a couple of industry professionals who saw potential in the early stages and encouraged me to see it though. I was given a recommended word limit and I also asked the editor for a deadline. Although the editor hadn’t commissioned my story, she gave me a date that she’d like to see a completed manuscript so I didn’t have an open-ended period of time for procrastination and melodramatic creative tantrums. If you don’t have someone who can give you a deadline, stick a bright red cross in your calendar, work towards that date and ask people you trust to give you constructive feedback along the way.

Do it for you.

If you’re embarking on a creative project for the praise, fame or cold hard cash you might as well walk away now. I wrote Tweethearts with absolutely no guarantee of publication or a single cent. I decided to see it through first and foremost for the sense of achievement and the personal growth that came with writing a novel. Even now that I’ve secured a digital book deal, I’m mostly just happy to say I finished it. Anything else is a bonus.

Nicole Haddow’s debut novel Tweethearts was released through Penguin Australia digital-first imprint Destiny Romance on February 14.

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