Over the weekend, the principal of the elite all-boys college in North Sydney, Shore School, received backlash for his comments on Lilie James’ suspected murderer.
In Friday’s edition of the Shore School newsletter, headmaster John Collier referred to Paul Thijssen as “an absolute delight… a fine student, a prefect, a role model” – words we don’t normally associate with “killer”.
But the truth is, we do. When a man kills a woman, we feel the need as society to paint a different picture, to make excuses, to justify.
“What led to his mental disintegration? Was it a psychotic episode which was deeply out of character?” Collier wrote in the newsletter.
What happened to Lilie James and the other four women who were killed in just 10 days is a much broader issue than “mental disintegration”.
The broader issue is that we continue to ignore our culture of toxic masculinity, patriarchy and acceptance that “boys will be boys”. This culture isn’t erased when a woman dies. It lurks beneath the surface of public attitudes, mainstream media headlines and even action towards ending violence against women.
Australians know that violence against women is a national problem; in ANROWS’ 2021 National Community Attitudes Towards Violence Against Women Survey (NCAS), 91 per cent of respondents agreed.
But more than half (53 per cent) said the issue doesn’t exist in their community, suburb or town. It happens somewhere else, far away. It’s someone else’s problem.
Collier got one thing right, in some way. Thijssen wasn’t a monster. He was a product of the lack of condemnation we show towards male violence. A product of our monstrous culture celebrating the good so we can turn a blind eye towards the bad.
Collier’s intentions in his newsletter piece were good, I’m sure. He spoke with The Sydney Morning Herald over the weekend clarifying his comments.
“The point which seems to be lost, because it’s nuanced, was if a man had such an unblemished record in the past that is actually more chilling. Rather than excusing it I was giving a warning,” he told the masthead.
This is true – unfortunately, violent people can be anywhere. They walk alongside us, work with us, live with us. But the issue isn’t as nuanced as it seems.
As Katherine Berney simply puts it on this week’s episode of The Crux: “Good people don’t bludgeon people to death.”
“It doesn’t matter what they’ve done in their life,” she said, “that is the legacy that that person has left. And I think it’s incredibly important that we don’t try and soften that.”
We are in denial that we live in a patriarchal society where men can get away with acts of violence – big or small.
It starts with the tired line “boys will be boys”. It follows with the “he seems like a decent bloke” attitude.
But when will it end? How many more women have to be killed?
If you are concerned about your behaviour, or about someone using violence, call Men’s Referral Service on 1300 766 491.
If you or someone you know is in need of help due to sexual assault or family and domestic violence contact 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732
In an emergency call 000.
PHOTO CREDIT: Facebook