I called my sabbatical parental leave without a baby. Unsurprisingly, it was nothing like parental leave with a baby. In Canada on school days, between the hours of 9am and 3pm, my time was my own. I had nowhere I needed to be and nothing that I needed to do. That freedom felt every bit as luxurious as my younger-self on parental leave with a baby could have imagined.  

Routine liberation notwithstanding, there was one similarity between my experience of parental leave with a baby and without. I often found myself asking the same question: How do people all over the world do this? HOW? 

Learning the ropes with a newborn for the very first time is a singularly foreign experience that has never been better described than by Esther Walker when she said: “It’s like being asked to sit your A-Level exams. In Russian.”    

In Canada I had no newborns to tend to, and it wasn’t Russian I was trying to master, so why did I find myself flummoxed? Because raising children without a skerrick of a village is HARD. 

When we arrived in Toronto we really didn’t know anyone. We were properly on our own trying to find our feet and even with older children it was a gigantic undertaking. The ages of our daughters meant the travel itself – planes, trains, airports – was (save for the inevitable sibling warfare) civilised. 

There were no prams, nappy bags, naps or bottles to juggle. Our girls could carry their own bags, watch movies, read, cut up their own food and tolerate the travel without much hassle. 

But, taking older children out of their comfort zone and placing them into a whole new unfamiliar world presented challenges that younger children might not encounter. They felt the absence of family, their own friends, their regular activities and the familiarity of home keenly.

Being overseas, away from the comfort and anchor of home, very naturally increased the emotional support our girls needed, at the very same time our own options for support were dramatically reduced. We were without grandparents, siblings, friends, neighbours, our regular and beloved babysitters. We really were on our own. The cumulative pressure on the family unit brought an intensity to daily life in which the highs were higher, and the lows lower. It was alot. 

It reminded me – viscerally – that the adage about needing a village to raise a child isn’t hyperbole. It’s factual. 

Parenting is, easily, the hardest job in the world. The patience, resilience, optimism and strength it requires, daily, cannot be downplayed. 

I maintain that there is nothing as physically relentless as having babies and toddlers; the 0-to-5 window is peculiarly demanding in ways too many fail to readily acknowledge and appreciate. If you are a parent with children under 5, I see you and I promise life will not always feel like a marathon no one really knows you’re trying to complete every day. 

I promise you that fast forward five years you will find yourself inexplicably longing for the opportunity to go back in time for just one more day with those sweet, funny, wild bundles of need. This does not mean you should be soaking up every minute right now. You just can’t. It is a chapter of survival that is filled with affection and joy and boredom and exhaustion and love. Enjoying the moments you do enjoy, however fleeting, is enough. 

I am no longer in that chapter and as a family we are now able to explore and enjoy life in ways that were utterly unfathomable when our girls were younger. But parenting remains the hardest job in the world. 

I have done some hard things in my life but nothing challenges me in the way that parenting does. One reason, I believe, parenting can feel so difficult is that so much of the trickiest terrain is invisible. As children grow older their privacy really matters and their highs and lows aren’t ours, as parents, to share. 

This can create the false notion that raising children is more straightforward than it really is. That belies the conversations I have with parents every single week. Conversations in which the full extent of parenting – in all of its grit and glory – is clear.

From managing illness or a diagnosis, to tricky sibling dynamics, to social exclusion and loneliness, to intense dysregulation, to school refusal, disordered eating, anxiety, relationship breakdowns: the list of specific triggers is endless but the result is the same. Families struggling behind closed doors. 

Parents spending hours and hours of time trying to work out what support looks like for their child or family. Tears. Angst. Heartache. Desperation. From professional intervention, to quick fixes: whether the challenge is health, social, educational, behavioural – there are parents out there hunting down answers to problems many don’t know they’re facing. 

My stint on parental leave without a baby taught me once again that parenting is the biggest, most-consuming job in the whole wide world for which there is no formal training. 

It is why The Parenthood exists; not just to lobby for positive policy changes like better paid parental leave and access to quality early education, to ensure parents and carers and children are supported, but to ensure that the reality of parenting and caring is recognised and validated. By leaders, employers, government, decision-makers but also? By us! 

It is the biggest, toughest, most important job that we all need to acknowledge and validate as such. So, if you are a parent or a carer you have permission to recognise the work you do every day.    

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“You watch him scream and you have to drive off,” Pauline explained to me. 

His teachers say that he would have had an easier transition to school if he had been able to access early childhood education and care. Pauline and her daughter, Georgie’s mother, spent years calling every centre in town but he was never given a place.

Georgie’s story isn’t unique.

As thousands of young kids across Australia get ready to start school this year, the reality is that one in five will arrive developmentally vulnerable. And in rural areas this number jumps to two in five, with families competing against at least three other children per available childcare spot.

And the evidence tells us that children who arrive at school behind rarely, if ever, catch up to their peers.

While this isn’t the case for every child, it is the case for too many.

The benefits of attending early childhood education are no secret, with research telling us that kids who’ve attended early learning demonstrating not only stronger aptitudes for literacy and numeracy, but for emotional and social skills as well. Often, this discrepancy goes unnoticed until it’s time for children to start primary school, when 90 per cent of a child’s brain has developed.

In 2023, at The Parenthood, where I work as Campaigns Director, we launched our biggest investigation yet into the experiences of families with young children living rurally and remotely in our report ‘Choiceless’. I’ve collected the stories of over 160 parents and educators living outside metropolitan Australia who desperately need better access to early childhood education for their children.

Katherine Durant, a primary school teacher from Rainbow, Victoria, described the difference in students between those who had attended early childhood education and those who hadn’t as “staggering”.

Some children “were unable to sit on the floor, could not follow instructions, use scissors or write or recognise their name,” she shared.

Be it long waitlists, high costs, or the unfortunate but likely reality of living in a childcare desert, compounding barriers to accessing early childhood education add huge amounts of stress and worry to parents’ day-to-day.

Usually the impact of these barriers are felt more by women, whose inability to access childcare leaves them unable to participate in the workforce as they’d like, thanks to the ‘motherhood penalty’. 

But as research tells us, it’s children who are impacted the most.

Socialisation is one of the most important yet overlooked aspects of getting children ‘school-ready’, facilitating the development of soft-skills like negotiation, resilience, patience, turn-taking and making friends. Skills that are increasingly sought-after in today’s job market and are strengthened in the early years through early childhood education and care, playgroups and playdates.

My own daughter is about to start school, and while she can’t write much beyond her own name, I am fortunate enough to feel confident about how ready she is. Having watched her social skills blossom while attending our local early learning centre over the past few years, I know she’ll have no issue leaving me at the school gate to go and join her friends.

In speaking to families for ‘Choiceless’ I discovered that some kids in the bush go months without even seeing another child. It’s crucial that we consider the impact that this level of isolation can have.

Kimberley from the Northern Territory told me that by the time her son, Oliver, started school, he struggled to keep up with his peers, “It wasn’t until he was at school that we started seeing some speech and learning difficulties arise.”

For many families, early learning centres are too far away and they’re not sure when this will change. But even small improvements to access could make a world of difference.

Measures like being able to access occasional services, mobile early learning, or more flexible In-Home Care would better prepare children for the routine and structure of school.

As well as adding engagement and routine to children’s lives, early learning settings hold huge potential to identify kids who need extra support, as was succinctly outlined by the 2023 NDIS Review.

Early childhood education and care may not be for everyone, but access to connection and learning are. So many families living rurally feel trapped in this regard. They deserve more options, more flexibility and a shift away from the current market-led approach, which is clearly failing.

Despite clear paths for change outlined by the South Australian Royal Commission, the ACCC, the Productivity Commission, and the NDIS Review in 2023 alone, families and children in the bush continue to feel choiceless.

These kids, like all kids, deserve the best start in life, and their families more control over their trajectory.

So, as four to six-year-olds across the country don their school hats and oversized backpacks for the first time this February, just like my youngest, I wish that every parent could say they had the same freedoms in getting their kids ready for school.

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Living in poverty hinders children’s brain development, their readiness for school, attainment at school and their physical and mental health.  We know that a child growing up in poverty has more than three times the likelihood of living in poverty as an adult than a child who was never poor. 

Far too many Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander children are living in poverty, and the 3^rd report on the 2020 National Closing the Gap Agreement, published in July 2023, shows their school readiness is actually going backwards.  In 2016, more than one in three Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples were estimated to be living in poverty, more than three times the rate for all Australians.  Sadly, we do not expect much improvement when analysis of the 2021 census is done.  This is why Anti-Poverty Week accepts the invitation to walk with our First Nations brothers and sisters in seeking a Voice to Parliament enshrined in the Constitution.  Our purpose is to help the Australian community understand poverty and to take action collectively to end it.  In 2023, our 21st year, we are campaigning for an end to child poverty in Australia. 

For decades First Nations people have been calling for a say in the policies and programs that affect them.  As long ago as 1996 Pat (now Senator) Dodson addressed the National Press Club and said “The track behind us is littered with the relics of policies, programs and projects that failed, that wasted taxpayers’ money and failed to deliver real outcomes to those crying out for them. They failed mainly because they did not include Indigenous people in making the decisions.” This is still the case in 2023.

As Catherine Liddle, CEO of the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander children’s peak, SNAICC, has pointed out:“When you look at all the investigations …as a result of the despair that we see in our communities, they all point to poverty – and that poverty absolutely is rooted in a lack of self-determination.” speaking on 7.30 on 6 June 2023.

Over 250 delegates gathered at Uluru in May 2017 building on six months of discussions held around the country with Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples.  They issued a historic statement, the Uluru Statement from the Heart, in the hope of improving the lives of future generations.  One of the signatories was Thomas Mayo, a Kaurareg Aboriginal and Kalkalgal, Erubamle Torres Strait Islander man who was chosen to carry the canvas of the statement around the country showing it to communities.  Mayo, now co-author with journalist  Kerry O’Brien of The Voice to Parliament Handbook – All the details you need,  wrote in The Saturday Paper: “it is the love we have for our children that gives us the courage to try something new – we have never before had a constitutionally enshrined Voice.”

I recently had the privilege of listening to Catherine Liddle speak about how the Voice, by giving their people a say in the policies and programs that affect them, can provide practical improvements to First Nations children’s learning, health and futures.  Catherine and SNAICC are strong advocates for the successful passage of this referendum, “our children deserve no less than yes.” 

Unlike non-Indigenous Australians, the majority (six in 10) Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people are aged under 30. Yet too many lack access to early years education and suffer poverty and poorer health, meaning they are less ready when they start school and less able succeed in their learning journey. Catherine spoke about the positive impact for children when they could attend Aboriginal controlled early learning and care centres where they received “culturally safe care,” for example at the Yappera Children’s Service in Victoria, as demonstrated in this video.

Catherine told us about Thomas Mayo bringing the original Uluru Statement from the Heart to her home in Alice Springs.  “He came like a warrior, carrying this big metal cylinder,” she said. Catherine then spoke about how powerfully it moved her and her Mother, Aunties and Grandmothers, both from reading the words of the Statement for the first time and seeing the signatures of so many Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander community members around it. 

“We felt the ancestors there with us.”  Catherine then read some of those words to the audience: “When we have power over our destiny our children will flourish. They will walk in two worlds and their culture will be a gift to their country.”

Photos above supplied, thanks to Castlemaine State Festival and Shane Carey.

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Bluey is a ground-breaking Australian children’s television series and the most downloaded show in ABC iView history. Since premiering in October 2018, Bluey has been played on iView over 100 million times, and it is set to stream internationally on Disney’s streaming platform starting later this year.

The show follows the adventures of a blue heeler puppy, six-year-old Bluey, and her close-knit family: her four-year-old sister Bingo and their dad Bandit and mum Chilli. It is a gem of Australian art, carefully distilling the essence of family life and – between laughs – capturing the wonder and joy of parenting, and delivering precious nuggets of parenting wisdom along the way.

In fact, the messages the show subtly imparts are remarkably consistent with the scientific literature on parenting and parental wellbeing. Here, then, are just a few poignant examples of “Bluey” wisdom.

Play matters

Play is the powerhouse of child development. It is linked to language abilities, creativity and emotional intelligence. Parents can feel so pressured by other demands on their own and their children’s time, though, that it’s easy to forget that play is one of the most important, enriching activities needed for children to flourish. As Bandit tells his daughter, “Making up games is more important than you think”.

In fact, we are beginning to understand that play is important for adults too. Emphasising the importance of work, at the expense of play, undermines long-term achievement, health and happiness, so finding a balance is key.

Bandit and Chilli are masters at maintaining connection with their daughters, squeezing precious moments of play (like pretending to be a sick patient who has swallowed a cat or an employee who really just wants to dance) between work and household tasks. Their playfulness is clearly beneficial for them as well.

Read more:
Let them play! Kids need freedom from play restrictions to develop

Be the parent you want to be, even when you don’t feel like it

Every day, we each have to choose between taking the “easy” option – whatever makes us feel better in the moment – or investing time and energy in doing what really matters.

Psychologists describe this as living in accordance with our values. Although the easy option can bring immediate relief from feelings like sadness or anger – and, let’s face it, we all find ways to avoid negative emotions now and then – it can become a big problem when this way of dealing with challenges becomes a pattern.

Living out our values is not always easy. It can be tough, and making room for difficult emotions is part of moving towards living a meaningful life. Bluey’s parents, Bandit and Chilli, frequently give a sigh and a skywards glance before playing yet another game of “hospitals” or “hotels” with their children – it is clear that it isn’t always easy for them – yet, being a fun and playful parent is clearly a core value for both of them. So they jump right in regardless.

Emotions are opportunities for learning and connection

We can all can forge deeper connections with others – including our children – through emotional exchange: by listening to their expressions of emotion, validating their emotions and gently exploring them. This process is called “emotion coaching” and has been linked to better emotional and social skills in children.

Bandit and Chilli are master emotion coaches. Whether it is Bluey’s sorrow at the death of a bird, or her frustration while trying to learn to ride a bike, they listen, validate and explore their children’s emotional worlds through conversation or play.

Natural and logical consequences

There’s a trap we will all fall into at some stage in our parenting careers: using a whole lot of talking to get through to our children, all the while protecting them from the consequences of their actions – and then becoming frustrated that they aren’t learning the “lesson”!

Bandit and Chilli aren’t afraid to allow Bluey and Bingo to experience the natural consequences of their own actions. For example, Bluey learns that when you spend your money on a toffee apple at the market, changing your mind about your purchase doesn’t mean you get your money back.

Bandit and Chilli skilfully demonstrate the use of logical consequences too. Logical consequences are parent-generated, but are comparable to the kinds of consequences that truly happen in the world, so children are learning a genuine and useful life lesson.

For example, in the episode “Wagonride”, when Bluey impatiently interrupts Bandit, wanting to move straight to the monkey bars, Bandit uses a logical consequence – stopping the wagon – to impart an invaluable life lesson: doing activities with other people requires give and take, and a bit of patience.

Bluey is a landmark Australian show for many reasons. But an important one is this: amid the ridiculous and the ordinary, Bluey’s parents regularly find themselves both sharing and receiving the poignant wisdom that comes with the drudgery and absurdity of parenting. And Australian parents can relate to that.

Koa Whittingham, Psychologist and Research Fellow, The University of Queensland; Amy Mitchell, Research fellow, The University of Queensland, and Ben Mitchell, Senior lecturer, The University of Queensland

This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.

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