My heart goes out to the women’s family and communities, it’s horrendous and a situation that is all too common. Death, when it reaches the media, is the pointy end of crisis when we look at violence against women and children.

Many people in the public are shocked and horrified, they feel a sense of urgency that many of us in sector feel daily. My colleagues and I are often asked “How do we fix it?!”

Cultural change is a lengthy process that requires everyone to examine their attitudes and behaviours. In a time of mindless scrolling, we all need to engage a little more deeply on “those hilarious memes’’ we send without a second thought. A simple action everyone should take is observing our own responses to social media, media headlines and other popular culture engagement.

I went on a TikTok and Instagram deep dive over 7 days. We need to understand the voices that people are listening to outside of our social circles and belief systems. Social media provides a neat echo chamber where we don’t have to be challenged with views diametrically opposite to our own. It’s a space where we can always be right. I set a task to look at some top trending pieces of content and headlines I normally wouldn’t engage on.

I did this because hyper-sexualisation and aggression towards women and children is a perversive force in popular culture and an acceptable media narrative; we see these intersections when looking at community attitudes about violence against women and children. Underestimating content on TikTok and Instagram and its role in shaping the ideas of people, is a misstep in thinking. These platforms are a major source of information gathering and influencing.  

“The woman should feel smaller- he needs to feel like he could kill her.”

This was some advice that appeared on a podcast called “When Sex Happens”. Currently, on TikTok, they boast over 30,000 followers, 1.7 million likes and that clip has almost a million views. This channel is dedicated to celebrating very narrow forms of masculinity – that being attractive and commanding respect requires you to install fear in women. Women should be grateful that you are actively choosing not to hurt them. It’s alarming, but the stats and comments show this a view that resonates with people.

“What the F*CK are you wearing?” “Where the fuck do you think you are going dressed like that?”

This by no means is isolated to content from the United States. An Australian content creator Chris Keverian made mainstream headlines for berating his girlfriend over the length of her skirt. Now, anyone can see this is their bit; the video is staged, complete with slapping her at the end. This couple regularly produce videos being awful to each other – I suppose for entertainment? It’s not for me but it did amass 100k of likes and an array of comments from women saying, “they needed a man to humble them”. Often when we examine this content and indeed critique its damaging messaging – typically there is a boring response of “it’s just a joke, can’t you have a laugh.”

Why are you so uptight?

Well, I’m uptight because homicides of women are on the rise in Australia, and misogynistic views like these are rampant in our society. These views tacitly provide an environment where abuse and violence against women is normalised.

I recently spoke with my colleague Lauren French at BodySafety Australia, who outlined to me that the number one thing to have in a relationship for young people in Australia is ‘’loyalty”- women must be loyal, understanding and obey men. Young women know that loyalty and support is the expectation if they want the relationship to be successful. It would seem the ‘’tongue in cheek joke’’ has a darker more damaging meaning to the audience it is intended for.

These two channels on TikTok have a reach of over 27.7 million. They aren’t at risk of being deplatformed and they have an engaged audience. When we think of men’s rights activism, people immediately think of the poster boy Andrew Tate. Make no mistake, Tate is one of a cast of thousands. His views are distasteful and dangerous, but I would argue no more dangerous than these channels, or of mainstream media personalities like Jermey Clarkson, who famously published (in print and digital) he would like to see Meghan Markle “paraded naked through the streets with excrement thrown at her”. Her crime? Existing.

This week also saw global retailer H&M withdraw an ad featuring schoolgirls after complaints that the campaign encouraged the sexualisation of underage girls. The advert, launched in Australia, featured the slogan: “Make those heads turn in H&M’s Back to School fashion” above a photo of two girls wearing gray H&M pinafore dresses. Naturally, there have been the standard insincere apology, and regrets, reminiscent of the “apology” from Balenciaga in 2022 for having children feature in a BDSM shoot.

These kinds of campaigns occur because in a creative director’s mind, being talked about and considered edgy is of greater interested than really understanding and engaging with the horrors they are replicating for advertisements. The same goes for representations of child sexual abuse in movies and tv shows.

This weekend, The Sydney Morning Herald published a piece about the forthcoming movie May December headlined “She was 36, he was 13; their scandalous affair is now an unsettling film”.

What affair? She was 36, he was 13 – that’s a crime.

May December a movie based on the story of convicted child sex offender Mary Kay Letourneau and her victim Villi Fualauu. The movie is classed as a comedy/romance. This is extremely confusing to me, someone who talks to survivors of child sexual abuse regularly and understands the devastating consequences of it.

The director Todd Haynes turned this film into an intellectual exercise; how nice for him to be able to do that. He feels this film is about the ‘’ambiguity of desire” and mused he didn’t think that his lead character was paedophile – except of course Mary Kay Letourneau was and went to prison for this crime.

There is no ambiguity in a sexual relationship between a 36-year-old and a 13-year-old. Villi was a father to two children at 15. He suffered suicide ideation, and alcoholism at an early age. The film makers did not contact him to talk about his story.

He is alive and well, he has talked about his anger – that they have oversimplified a complex situation. Advocate Harrison James from Your Reference Ain’t Relevant expressed his frustration at this regressive narrative that damages the cause for victim survivors of child sexual abuse.

“This story is not the next Notebook- romanticizing paedophilia is a disgrace and irresponsible.’’ I agree wholeheartedly.

These headlines have generated thousands of clicks every day. This is the tip of the iceberg; but it clearly demonstrates that the current national approach and messaging to the broader community is not effective.

We should all question what we engage with online and think about what these “humorous or edgy” takes really support and normalize.

If you or someone you know is experiencing, or at risk of experiencing, domestic, family or sexual violence call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, chat online via 1800RESPECT.org.au or text 0458 737 732.

If you are concerned about your behaviour or use of violence, you can contact the Men’s Referral Service on 1300 766 491 or visit www.ntv.org.au.

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I’m sitting on the Victorian coast listening to bird song at the start of the day- it’s January 2, I read this news headline and my head hurts: “Horrifying new details of Olympian Melissa Hoskins’ death emerge”.

The photos accompanying the article on Melissa’s horrendous death are mainly of Melissa and her husband who is arrested due to his alleged role in her death.

Newspapers have mentioned no less than 15 times across coverage they lived in a “luxurious” suburb. The local paper even went as far as to outline their retirement plans of potentially opening a winery. I’m sure her parents must love to see that.

The subtext of all of this of course is to say “this is a complete aberration, this is a nice guy, an OLYMPIAN no less, we need the whole story. This should never have happened”. I really had hoped we’d moved past this lazy narrative in the media- we certainly need to.

I agree- it should never have happened. There is a shattered family, community and most importantly two children now without a mother. Where they lived and what careers they had has zero bearing on the “chance of being a victim”.

This story is awful, and it’s a story that rings true for the 64 families and communities that have been impacted by the alleged murders of women in 2023.

I had journalists contact me over the break looking for comment on the alleged murder on Christmas day on cable beach- they wanted a solution of “how this can and must be stopped.” I understand their shock and anguish. I wish I could provide simple advice to stop women being murdered. Two women (that we know of) brutally lost their lives between Christmas and new year. Two men known to them are arrested for their alleged murder.

And whilst I can’t speculate of the exact events that took place in the lead up to the alleged murders, I can unequivocally say that both women deserved more.

This is not a new conversation. Last year, white ribbon documented 48,000 articles specifically published about violence against women.

I, and many others before me, have been clear- there isn’t going to be a linear solution. Violence is a process, not an event. We have to treat the symptoms to prevent the outcomes.

In the week between Christmas and new years, every year the data shows us frontline service demand surges. There can be expectations and heightened emotions around the holidays; we are in a cost of living crisis and alcohol and other drug usage can exacerbate violence- it’s the perfect pressure cooker.

Thousands of women and children everyday in Australia flee violence. They then are funnelled into an imperfect system that often has them make an impossible choice between poverty and safety.

2024 will be different, because it has to be. Change is not impossible, but it will take a concerted effort across all of society.

I don’t want to spend the next year reading and writing anguished words about the murders of women.

I want to see leadership and innovation in how we look at community attitudes and gender equality. I want better media standards that insist publications do more than telling us all about the “good guy who snapped”.

Moreover, I encourage anyone who wants change to be involved- there is no contribution that can be considered too big or too small and we need all of them.

I look forward to working with you.

If you or someone you know is experiencing, or at risk of experiencing, domestic, family or sexual violence call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, chat online via 1800RESPECT.org.au or text 0458 737 732. 

If you are concerned about your behaviour or use of violence, you can contact the Men’s Referral Service on 1300 766 491 or visit www.ntv.org.au.

Feeling worried or no good? No shame, no judgement, safe place to yarn. Speak to a 13YARN Crisis Supporter, call 13 92 76. This service is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

In an emergency, call 000.

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Last year between Christmas and the new year, 6 women were allegedly murdered. It makes me sick to write we know there will be more homicides before the year is out.

It’s unacceptable.

People keep asking why aren’t we seeing a change? The Albanese Government has made record investment towards ending violence against women and children – there has been a commitment to long term cultural change through policy reform in the Family Law act and a commission to strengthen criminal responses to sexual violence within the Attorney General’s portfolio.

This year, there have been close to 50,000 articles published specifically focused on violence against women. There have been so many words written, roundtables, conferences, and discussion.

People are anguished, they are angry and rightly so. Our frontline is burnt out and feeling the strain of another incredibly difficult year. The consistent question is when? And how?

From a system perspective we do need better coordination between policy arms, we need to actually remove silos instead of just talking about removing them. Ensuring true collaboration from all areas of policy that’s intersect with the national plan. We need to continue to advocate for legislation of Our Watch media standards. Our frontline services must be robustly funded, so everyone who is seeking help can receive it. We could draft the best legislation in the world but unless we address the bias that exists within the administration of that legislation and thrives in societal attitudes, it would be effort for little change.

Societal attitudes are a complex piece of the puzzle when looking at violence against women and arguably needs to start at a much more granular level.  

Yesterday, I was having lunch with my family and a family member told me they had to write up a suspension letter for a student at an all-boys school they work at – he was accessing porn on his school laptop. They needed to supply links to all the sites accessed, I was horrified about the potential for vicarious trauma and immediately asked if they had been offered counselling and a debrief – thankfully they had.

There was then a discussion about if that was necessary or was it being overly cautious. No, it’s not and yes it was, according to the new standards of Respect@Work. 

Similarly, I had a conversation with a friend about consent legislation, he couldn’t understand why we need to focus on it “it’s basic, people get you need consent. That just human decency.’’ Howevever, rates of sexual violence and a lack of sexual literacy in what constitutes assault would indicate that people don’t get it. This is the same for when we think about people we know and love. Statistically we all know perpetrators and survivors.

I realized that despite my family and friends having shared beliefs and a deep support of the work I do, there is a disconnect in how we look at drivers of violence, how attitudes and behaviours that thrive within our society that contribute to the normalization of gender based violence. 

This is obviously happening in families, communities and within individual lives. There is still a pervasive narrative in popular culture that ‘’women and children lie, and they lie all the time to ruin the lives of men”.

The Australian child maltreatment study showed that of Australians aged 16-65+:

• 32 per cent had experienced physical abuse.
• 28.5 per cent had experienced sexual abuse.
• 30.9 per cent had experienced emotional abuse.
• 39.6 per cent had been exposed to DFSV.

Guess what? Data doesn’t lie.

These statistics paint a horrendous and uncomfortable picture about how we value survivors’ experiences across the nation. However for those who don’t work in the field, a common response to these kinds of statistics is often “that can’t be right” and “it has to be an aberration”.

The notion that people lie about they abuse they’ve experienced also supports this narrative, which is ingrained in our legal system, our media coverage and government. This attitude of suspicion and disbelief permeates our everyday discussions.  Harrison James, a survivor and co-founder of You’re Reference Ain’t Relevant, a campaign to remove good character references in sentencing considerations for convicted pedophiles, says that “even if justice is blind, it should not be deaf to the voices of survivors’’. Neither should our whole society.

So, what can we do?

If you want to make change, sit with these statistics, feel uncomfortable with them. Resist the temptation to look for cause and effect and to think “this won’t happen to me, I’m way more careful”. Start from a position of empathy rather than framing what interventions from the victim could have prevented the violence that has occurred.

The simplest thing that anyone can do to make change in domestic family and sexual violence is to start by believing.

When someone discloses they have been a victim of domestic, family, and sexual violence — believe them.

When you read media coverage where domestic, family, and sexual violence cases are discussed — believe the survivor.

What genuinely will go wrong if you believe someone?

Is this enough? Yes. This is how culture change starts. We must be aware of our own biases and potentially harmful cultural norms and challenge them, within ourselves, our families, and our friendship groups.   

By calling out these behaviours we have become desensitized to and challenging these ingrained beliefs we are saying that the standard needs to be higher for us all.

If you or someone you know is experiencing, or at risk of experiencing, domestic, family or sexual violence call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, chat online via 1800RESPECT.org.au or text 0458 737 732. 

If you are concerned about your behaviour or use of violence, you can contact the Men’s Referral Service on 1300 766 491 or visit www.ntv.org.au.

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10 days, 5 women dead. I personally am noting an apathy in response across all channels.

My name is Katherine Berney I’m the Executive Director of the National Women’s Safety Alliance.

After the headlines of last week, I felt shattered and angry.  Most corners of the media felt the need to rush in with assurances that Paul Thijssenn, the 24-year-old who allegedly bludgeoned a young woman to death in her workplace, was acting out of character — that he was a “good guy”, a “leader”, who snapped. The reality is we don’t know anything about who he was in relationships with, other than he was 24 years of age, and the woman he saw for five weeks is now dead. We then had headlines rushing to describe a cat-walking resident’s shock at an alleged murder in Canberra happening in “such an affluent area”.  We have thought pieces that feel the need to excuse shattering violent choices as a mental health or public health crisis. The reality is it is far more nuanced that “investing in men’s health” as a singular solution to society’s social issues.  

It’s 2023, and already this year, 57 women have been killed already, according to Australian Femicide Watch’s Red Heart Campaign, led by journalist Sherele Moody.

The ANROWS National Community Attitudes Towards Violence Against Women (NCAS) 2021 report has alarming statistics on how Australians view violence against women. A majority of Australians don’t believe that violence against women occurs in all communities, including their own, and yet,  91 per cent of respondents believe that violence against women is an issue in Australia.  Where is this violence happening, never, never land?

There is a growing frustration at the soothing: “This violence is absolutely shocking, it’s also entirely preventable.” Great, then let’s get started on that because women and children are dying at a rapid rate. That language is othering and suggests that this isn’t happening every day, in real time, in communities in every city, town, and community.

The idea that there will be one linear solution, agency, leader, or organisation to change such engrained behaviours and beliefs, is spectacularly naive and I would argue, dangerous.

We keep asking for the national culture change piece how will this be prevented? Whose job is it? How are we reaching grass roots community? Who is the target audience for these messages?

Domestic, Family and Sexual Violence is discussed in the room of public policy as a wicked social problem. By its very nature, due to the complexities and interconnected nature of the issues involved, there will not be a linear solution. Rather, they must be a suite of initiatives that need to work in tandem with policy change for there to be lasting systemic cultural change. The key to being successful is collaboration and innovation in how we tackle these issues more broadly. We need a pivot in how we define success and how we measure what success means. This is a critical piece of work within the National Action Plan.

It is the worst-kept secret that the women’s safety sector can be a fractured and difficult place to navigate due to the historical “hunger games of funding’’ that have led to a siloed, scarcity approach to the work. This status quo has suited previous decision-makers who were resistant to the message of change that is carried by the movement.  

It is my experience that this sector is the most passionate and dedicated in Australia. We have seen the strength of collaborative advocacy from the landmark family law reforms which passed through both houses; This was a collective effort across states, territories and decades from Women’s legal services and the frontline services. A win that showed the power of our collective activism and lobbying. Frankly, we all stand on the shoulders of giants in our work here and the education I get through my members and co workers every day is invaluable.    

Ending domestic, family and sexual violence should be a national movement and one that is the responsibility of every Australian. We need definitive leadership with messaging and call to action that matches the unprecedented commonwealth investment in this issue. Right now, we don’t need platitudes of “this is horrific, but it will be ok. We are working on it.”

So, I will say this: the violence we have seen over the past days and years is beyond unacceptable. We all have a role to play in ending violence against women and children in this country.

For the health of Australia, we can no longer be frozen with inaction in the hope of an aspirational future. We must all demand more.

Katherine Berney was named the Women’s Agenda Emerging Leader in the Not For Profit Sector at the Women’s Agenda Leadership Awards in October 2023, for her work as Executive Director of the National Women’s Safety Alliance.

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