My heart goes out to the women’s family and communities, it’s horrendous and a situation that is all too common. Death, when it reaches the media, is the pointy end of crisis when we look at violence against women and children.

Many people in the public are shocked and horrified, they feel a sense of urgency that many of us in sector feel daily. My colleagues and I are often asked “How do we fix it?!”

Cultural change is a lengthy process that requires everyone to examine their attitudes and behaviours. In a time of mindless scrolling, we all need to engage a little more deeply on “those hilarious memes’’ we send without a second thought. A simple action everyone should take is observing our own responses to social media, media headlines and other popular culture engagement.

I went on a TikTok and Instagram deep dive over 7 days. We need to understand the voices that people are listening to outside of our social circles and belief systems. Social media provides a neat echo chamber where we don’t have to be challenged with views diametrically opposite to our own. It’s a space where we can always be right. I set a task to look at some top trending pieces of content and headlines I normally wouldn’t engage on.

I did this because hyper-sexualisation and aggression towards women and children is a perversive force in popular culture and an acceptable media narrative; we see these intersections when looking at community attitudes about violence against women and children. Underestimating content on TikTok and Instagram and its role in shaping the ideas of people, is a misstep in thinking. These platforms are a major source of information gathering and influencing.  

“The woman should feel smaller- he needs to feel like he could kill her.”

This was some advice that appeared on a podcast called “When Sex Happens”. Currently, on TikTok, they boast over 30,000 followers, 1.7 million likes and that clip has almost a million views. This channel is dedicated to celebrating very narrow forms of masculinity – that being attractive and commanding respect requires you to install fear in women. Women should be grateful that you are actively choosing not to hurt them. It’s alarming, but the stats and comments show this a view that resonates with people.

“What the F*CK are you wearing?” “Where the fuck do you think you are going dressed like that?”

This by no means is isolated to content from the United States. An Australian content creator Chris Keverian made mainstream headlines for berating his girlfriend over the length of her skirt. Now, anyone can see this is their bit; the video is staged, complete with slapping her at the end. This couple regularly produce videos being awful to each other – I suppose for entertainment? It’s not for me but it did amass 100k of likes and an array of comments from women saying, “they needed a man to humble them”. Often when we examine this content and indeed critique its damaging messaging – typically there is a boring response of “it’s just a joke, can’t you have a laugh.”

Why are you so uptight?

Well, I’m uptight because homicides of women are on the rise in Australia, and misogynistic views like these are rampant in our society. These views tacitly provide an environment where abuse and violence against women is normalised.

I recently spoke with my colleague Lauren French at BodySafety Australia, who outlined to me that the number one thing to have in a relationship for young people in Australia is ‘’loyalty”- women must be loyal, understanding and obey men. Young women know that loyalty and support is the expectation if they want the relationship to be successful. It would seem the ‘’tongue in cheek joke’’ has a darker more damaging meaning to the audience it is intended for.

These two channels on TikTok have a reach of over 27.7 million. They aren’t at risk of being deplatformed and they have an engaged audience. When we think of men’s rights activism, people immediately think of the poster boy Andrew Tate. Make no mistake, Tate is one of a cast of thousands. His views are distasteful and dangerous, but I would argue no more dangerous than these channels, or of mainstream media personalities like Jermey Clarkson, who famously published (in print and digital) he would like to see Meghan Markle “paraded naked through the streets with excrement thrown at her”. Her crime? Existing.

This week also saw global retailer H&M withdraw an ad featuring schoolgirls after complaints that the campaign encouraged the sexualisation of underage girls. The advert, launched in Australia, featured the slogan: “Make those heads turn in H&M’s Back to School fashion” above a photo of two girls wearing gray H&M pinafore dresses. Naturally, there have been the standard insincere apology, and regrets, reminiscent of the “apology” from Balenciaga in 2022 for having children feature in a BDSM shoot.

These kinds of campaigns occur because in a creative director’s mind, being talked about and considered edgy is of greater interested than really understanding and engaging with the horrors they are replicating for advertisements. The same goes for representations of child sexual abuse in movies and tv shows.

This weekend, The Sydney Morning Herald published a piece about the forthcoming movie May December headlined “She was 36, he was 13; their scandalous affair is now an unsettling film”.

What affair? She was 36, he was 13 – that’s a crime.

May December a movie based on the story of convicted child sex offender Mary Kay Letourneau and her victim Villi Fualauu. The movie is classed as a comedy/romance. This is extremely confusing to me, someone who talks to survivors of child sexual abuse regularly and understands the devastating consequences of it.

The director Todd Haynes turned this film into an intellectual exercise; how nice for him to be able to do that. He feels this film is about the ‘’ambiguity of desire” and mused he didn’t think that his lead character was paedophile – except of course Mary Kay Letourneau was and went to prison for this crime.

There is no ambiguity in a sexual relationship between a 36-year-old and a 13-year-old. Villi was a father to two children at 15. He suffered suicide ideation, and alcoholism at an early age. The film makers did not contact him to talk about his story.

He is alive and well, he has talked about his anger – that they have oversimplified a complex situation. Advocate Harrison James from Your Reference Ain’t Relevant expressed his frustration at this regressive narrative that damages the cause for victim survivors of child sexual abuse.

“This story is not the next Notebook- romanticizing paedophilia is a disgrace and irresponsible.’’ I agree wholeheartedly.

These headlines have generated thousands of clicks every day. This is the tip of the iceberg; but it clearly demonstrates that the current national approach and messaging to the broader community is not effective.

We should all question what we engage with online and think about what these “humorous or edgy” takes really support and normalize.

If you or someone you know is experiencing, or at risk of experiencing, domestic, family or sexual violence call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, chat online via 1800RESPECT.org.au or text 0458 737 732.

If you are concerned about your behaviour or use of violence, you can contact the Men’s Referral Service on 1300 766 491 or visit www.ntv.org.au.

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The annual number of family and intimate partner violence-related deaths equates to an average of one woman killed every week. And much like the figures in 2022, this year we are set to surpass those numbers with five women killed in the last 10 days.

With everything else happening in the world, you would be forgiven for having to turn away in self-preservation. The reality that each of these numbers represents a human being; one whose life was taken too soon — is sometimes too much to bear. 

But is that not what the perpetrators of these crimes want us to do? Turn away. Ask no questions. Take no action. Seek no justice.

We spend our days working with Australian workplaces, both in the public and private sector, to accelerate gender equality. Whether that be through training programs on how to be an active bystander, conducting audits of a company’s gender pay gap, or applying an intersectional lens to policies on parental leave, sexual harassment, and yes — family violence.

While you might be wondering how much of an impact a piece of paper, or a policy, on equal pay and sexual harassment in the workplace can have on preventing women from dying. And it’s a fair question. But what we know is that violence against women happens on a spectrum, and in the words of Our Watch CEO, Patty Kinnersley: sexist, disrespectful jokes and comments do matter; that put-downs and controlling behaviour do cause harm, and that these all contribute to an environment in which men’s violence against women is more likely.  

By its very nature, violence against women, and gender equality more broadly, are complex issues to address and they require far more than a linear solution. As Katherine Berney, Executive Director of the National Women’s Safety Alliance, published on this very platform in the last few days:

“We keep asking for the national culture change piece. How will this be prevented? Whose job is it? How are we reaching grassroots communities? Who is the target audience for these messages?”

Like any complex and multifaceted issue, if it was easy to solve – we would have done it by now. Instead there must be a suite of initiatives — at all levels of society — working in tandem with policy change to create the kind of meaningful and transformative systemic cultural change that saves women’s lives.

As Berney says, the key to being successful is collaboration. And while it might feel far removed, sitting in an office developing a policy for family violence leave, we know all too well that the death of each of these women creates a devastating ripple effect throughout families, kinship networks, communities, and yes — workplaces.

Each of these headlines serve as a stark reminder that we still have a long way to go, and that each of us has a role to play in creating a safer and more equal world for people of all genders.

As we approach yet another 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence campaign — may this be the one that the penny finally drops on taking action at all levels, wherever we are, and however we can. 

The 16 Days of Activism against Gender-Based Violence is a global campaign led annually by UN Women. It runs every year from 25 November (the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women) to 10 December (Human Rights Day).  

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10 days, 5 women dead. I personally am noting an apathy in response across all channels.

My name is Katherine Berney I’m the Executive Director of the National Women’s Safety Alliance.

After the headlines of last week, I felt shattered and angry.  Most corners of the media felt the need to rush in with assurances that Paul Thijssenn, the 24-year-old who allegedly bludgeoned a young woman to death in her workplace, was acting out of character — that he was a “good guy”, a “leader”, who snapped. The reality is we don’t know anything about who he was in relationships with, other than he was 24 years of age, and the woman he saw for five weeks is now dead. We then had headlines rushing to describe a cat-walking resident’s shock at an alleged murder in Canberra happening in “such an affluent area”.  We have thought pieces that feel the need to excuse shattering violent choices as a mental health or public health crisis. The reality is it is far more nuanced that “investing in men’s health” as a singular solution to society’s social issues.  

It’s 2023, and already this year, 57 women have been killed already, according to Australian Femicide Watch’s Red Heart Campaign, led by journalist Sherele Moody.

The ANROWS National Community Attitudes Towards Violence Against Women (NCAS) 2021 report has alarming statistics on how Australians view violence against women. A majority of Australians don’t believe that violence against women occurs in all communities, including their own, and yet,  91 per cent of respondents believe that violence against women is an issue in Australia.  Where is this violence happening, never, never land?

There is a growing frustration at the soothing: “This violence is absolutely shocking, it’s also entirely preventable.” Great, then let’s get started on that because women and children are dying at a rapid rate. That language is othering and suggests that this isn’t happening every day, in real time, in communities in every city, town, and community.

The idea that there will be one linear solution, agency, leader, or organisation to change such engrained behaviours and beliefs, is spectacularly naive and I would argue, dangerous.

We keep asking for the national culture change piece how will this be prevented? Whose job is it? How are we reaching grass roots community? Who is the target audience for these messages?

Domestic, Family and Sexual Violence is discussed in the room of public policy as a wicked social problem. By its very nature, due to the complexities and interconnected nature of the issues involved, there will not be a linear solution. Rather, they must be a suite of initiatives that need to work in tandem with policy change for there to be lasting systemic cultural change. The key to being successful is collaboration and innovation in how we tackle these issues more broadly. We need a pivot in how we define success and how we measure what success means. This is a critical piece of work within the National Action Plan.

It is the worst-kept secret that the women’s safety sector can be a fractured and difficult place to navigate due to the historical “hunger games of funding’’ that have led to a siloed, scarcity approach to the work. This status quo has suited previous decision-makers who were resistant to the message of change that is carried by the movement.  

It is my experience that this sector is the most passionate and dedicated in Australia. We have seen the strength of collaborative advocacy from the landmark family law reforms which passed through both houses; This was a collective effort across states, territories and decades from Women’s legal services and the frontline services. A win that showed the power of our collective activism and lobbying. Frankly, we all stand on the shoulders of giants in our work here and the education I get through my members and co workers every day is invaluable.    

Ending domestic, family and sexual violence should be a national movement and one that is the responsibility of every Australian. We need definitive leadership with messaging and call to action that matches the unprecedented commonwealth investment in this issue. Right now, we don’t need platitudes of “this is horrific, but it will be ok. We are working on it.”

So, I will say this: the violence we have seen over the past days and years is beyond unacceptable. We all have a role to play in ending violence against women and children in this country.

For the health of Australia, we can no longer be frozen with inaction in the hope of an aspirational future. We must all demand more.

Katherine Berney was named the Women’s Agenda Emerging Leader in the Not For Profit Sector at the Women’s Agenda Leadership Awards in October 2023, for her work as Executive Director of the National Women’s Safety Alliance.

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It is the first time the Counting Dead Women Australia researchers of Destroy The Joint have recorded three deaths in a single day since the register began in 2012.

The 46th woman included on the register of women killed violently in Australia this year is Kobie Parfitt, a 43 year old who was last seen alive in Ballarat, Victoria, in late April. After receiving information from the public police now believe she was murdered that same day.

At midday on Monday emergency services were called to a block of units in Fairfield in NSW after a neighbour called triple-0. When police and paramedics arrived they found Samr Dawoodi struggling to breathe on the kitchen floor and she was unable to be resuscitated.

It is reported she was stabbed multiple times during what police said was an act of domestic violence. Her 60 year old husband was arrested at the scene and remains in police custody.

Less than an hour later, emergency services were called to a house at Narre Warren, Victoria. At 1pm they found a critically injured 42-year-old woman who was flown to hospital but later died. A 70-year-old woman and a three-year-old girl were also taken to hospital with serious injuries. An unnamed man was arrested at the scene and is also being treated for serious injuries.

But three recorded violent deaths in a single day isn’t enough to make front page news. When the Prime Minister, Scott Morrison, referred to “repugnant” events in the news on Monday he wasn’t referring to these brutal deaths. And the utterly tragic truth is that no one would expect him too.

Yes, when Hannah Clarke and her three darling children were murdered in broad daylight in the suburbs of Brisbane in February, political leaders commented on it publicly. They couldn’t not. It was an act of violence so ghastly that it dominated national news and even attracted global headlines. The Prime Minister commented, along with State Premiers, without hesitation.

That is the exception not the rule though: when a domestic violence related crime takes place in public it is not readily ignored. But the vast majority of the violent deaths suffered by 47 other women in Australia this year, like the trauma suffered by hundreds and thousands of other women and children living with abusive partners, happen behind closed doors.

These matters remain “private”. And so it is that two women can be violently killed in their homes within the space of a single hour in Australia on Monday without it attracting national news coverage with the urgency that two separate deaths otherwise would.

Had two sharks claimed two lives at different beaches within the space of an hour on Monday, tell me it wouldn’t make front page news? Had two eerily similar workplace accidents in different cities resulted in two lives lost on Monday, tell me we wouldn’t be having a serious conversation about workplace safety?

The deaths of the three women whose names were added to the disastrous register on Monday are not un-related. They are connected by a fatal epidemic that the coronavirus pandemic has made even worse. 

In May the Australian Institute of Criminology surveyed 15,000 women aged 18 years and older online about their experience of domestic violence and abuse. The results confirmed the pandemic coincided with the onset or escalation of violence and abuse. 

Almost one in 10 Australian women in a relationship had experienced domestic violence during the coronavirus crisis. 

The research provides the most detailed information in the world about the prevalence and nature of domestic violence experienced by women during the COVID-19 pandemic. It found 4.6 per cent experienced physical or sexual violence from a partner or former cohabiting partner in the previous three months. Almost six per cent of women experienced coercive control and almost 12 per cent experienced emotionally abusive, harassing or controlling behaviour.

Many women reported it was the first time their partner had been violent, while others said the violence was getting worse. For 33 per cent of these women, this was the first time they had experienced physical or sexual violence within their relationship.

More than half (53%) of women who had experienced physical or sexual violence before February 2020 said the violence had become more frequent or severe since the start of the pandemic.

One in three women (36.96%) who experienced physical or sexual violence or coercive control said that, on at least one occasion, they wanted to seek advice or support but could not because of safety reasons.

Frontline domestic violence specialists say the economic impacts of COVID-19 are disproportionately affecting victims, trapping them in situations of abuse due to financial dependence, unemployment and a lack of affordable accommodation.

A survey of specialists at 34 community services across NSW published in September found rising rates of women experiencing domestic violence since the onset of the pandemic, with more than 85 per cent recording an increase in the complexity of client cases.

It is no wonder that so many DV experts told The Guardian on Monday that this year has been so shocking.

“2020 will be remembered as the worst year for domestic violence that any of us who are in the sector now have ever experienced,” Hayley Foster, chief executive of Women’s Safety, New South Wales, said. “There [have been] just so many more strangulation cases, so many threats to kill, so many more serious head injuries, and sexual assaults [have been] going through the roof.”

The Illawarra Women’s Health Centre chief executive, Sally Stevenson, says referrals to the service from January to August increased 189% compared with the previous year, while phone calls spiked 55% in the same period. And waiting lists for counselling have blown out from two weeks to three months.

The chief executive Brisbane Domestic Violence Service, Karyn Walsh, says demand across all programs, including legal support, counselling and casework, has increased 30%. In Queensland, 81% of domestic violence services reported an escalation of controlling behaviour and manipulation in June, and 49% reported an escalation of perpetrators using Covid-19 as a reason for abuse.

Yet so many of the vital support services that women and children need remain “chronically underfunded”.

Despite the fact this scourge is killing women and children at an alarming rate. So far this year 48 women have been killed violently. In 2019 that figure was 63.  In 2018 it was 71. And in 2017 it was 55.  

It follows a pattern you might be familiar with. A woman, every week, is killed in Australia at the hands of a man she knows. That’s the “average”. It’s been higher and it still doesn’t garner the urgency of action it warrants. 

And the number of murders only captures the very worst. It doesn’t capture the women terrorised – but alive. It doesn’t capture the women who escape physical bruises, but are trapped in a cycle of abuse and control.

The comparison with intimate terrorism and terrorism has been made countless times but I’ll make it again. Since the Bali terrorist attack in 2002, terrorist attacks overseas have claimed the lives of more than 110 Australians. Three Australians have lost their lives to terrorism on Australian soil since 2001.   

In the last four years, 234 women have lost their lives to violence – that is double the number of Australian lives lost in over 25 years to terrorism. 

And there’s not so much as a taskforce being assembled to tackle this pandemic. Services on the frontline of domestic violence – shelters, legal services, support services, hotlines – have been consistently underfunded, left to fight constantly just for survival, against a backdrop of surging demand. Volunteers are relied upon to provide the support and resources that women and children need. 

We spend billions of dollars on national security, fighting terrorism, as we should, but the fact we fail to adequately fund efforts to stem the most deadly form of terrorism on Australian soil – intimate terrorism – is stark. 

If two Australians had been killed in any other type of “terrorist” attack on Monday, let alone three, it would be front-page news and the question being asked wouldn’t be “Can we afford to invest in the services that are necessary to keep Australians safe?” It would be this: how big does the cheque need to be to ensure this does not happen again.

If you or someone you know is impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or visit https://www.1800respect.org.au/

For information about local services download the free Daisy App https://www.1800respect.org.au/daisy/–

Accessible information and support is available via the free Sunny App which has been developed for and by women with disability https://www.1800respect.org.au/sunny/

For Aboriginal Family Domestic Violence Hotline, call 1800 019 123

For legal information, visit the Family Violence Law Help website: https://familyviolencelaw.gov.au

In an emergency, call 000.

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